Hi...how's your day?
That's good or bad depending on your
answer.
You may ask why I started this blog this
way. My answer is simple and makes me
sound crazy ...that is how I started my day growing up, only I asked myself
that question. The reason started when I
was born.
I was born to a phone cable installer that
traveled for his job and mom that stayed home doing the typical homemaker type
things. It just so happen that depending
on which story you go by that I was told....I was either made in love..or made
in the heat of the moment but wasn't planned.
While many married couple have had oops babies I am a believer of
telling a white lie and saying the baby was made in love. Being a oops doesn't
help when you feel down and your mind gives you reasons of why you should hate
yourself. Well shortly after my birth
my mom wanted to settle down next to her family, my dad next to his, problem
was Grandpa. He wanted us close so he
chased my dad away...and not without blame my parents both gave up on their
marriage. So here was little 1 year old
me alone with my mom.
She may be upset with this next part but it
plays into who I became. She tried to
fill the void left from my dad leaving, and a baby came from it. Problem was she was afraid my dad would take
me so she aborted the baby. To be fair
she was young, stupid, and has made her amends with God. However I didn't find out til I was a teen
and you know how rational they are. So I
got mad that I could have had a real person to ask how there day was. I am not over
it and what I have found through some self introspective is...certain
things will never be understood by me.
Anyway, over the next few years my mom
lived a lifestyle that was to be expected of a young person. Not to say that all the guys were jerks one
of which turned into a father figure for me...but most were dopes. Anyway one day my mom felt like she needed to
make a change and we started going to different church's. Wow the differences were astounding. Neither of us felt comfortable in them and
my mom felt hopeless to the point that she had planned on taking us both to
Heaven, or at least me. God intervened
and sent two missionaries to our door.
More on this later but it has stopped me from doing something stupid
several times....who am I to cut whatever plan he has for me short. So we took the lessons and attended Church
and we felt at home.
Here is where things change drastically for
me. I was 4 going on 5 my mom felt over
joyed about finding what she needed and wanted to pay it forward. She heard about a old friend that was in the
hospital with a stab wound and decided to help him. He got out, started living with us and even
took the discussions. What we didn't
know was his past and soon to be present abuse of little boys. I had no way of knowing what things were or
why, I just knew it didn't feel right. I
changed over night from this care free out going little boy to this victim of
something that robs you of your soul almost.
A year later and after he was gone and
couldn't follow through with his threat to hurt my mom I started telling my
friend (his younger cousin) about what happened. He was physically ill and said to tell my
mom. Eventually I had no choice but to
because he was walking to my house to tell her.
I remember she was in a good mood and looked nice from work and I almost
chickened out because of it. I didn't
know how she would react. She sat there
and went from smiles to tears in an instant.
In a lot of ways that was the beginning of
the end of me being open with anyone again.
I spent the rest of my time around my life, friends, and family hiding
something from them so I had to build walls.
Soon after we moved to Utah, but Illinois problems hung around, I had to
go back and tell what happened to what felt like the entire state. Then of course I had to face my accuser in
court because they didn't protect kids like they do now. He got prison time, I went back to my new
normal not the normal it should have been. Also to top off this lovely time in
my life a female cousin tried to abuse me as well. Thankfully I knew what to do but it still
messes with you.
While dealing with this stuff I went from
having a mom that worked straight 8s to 18 hours a day. I know why she did it and give her respect
for working that hard but it meant I was alone a lot. Hence the thinking to myself and even having
random conversations to myself. Which is where I get my title from. I'm not crazy. Just an only child.
Now not to act like a complete victim of
circumstances I did have points about my childhood I love and cherish, spending
time with family was the biggest each summer when I would go back for a few
weeks. However some things can't be
undone that affect you so deeply. I know
I became hard to deal with at school, at home with my friends, and even my
mom. But I had a lot of things to work
through while becoming a teenager. Its
hard enough being a teen.
Because of being an only child and having a
different set of rules then my friends with families the worlds collided at
times and made it even more frustrating for me as a teen. My friends had siblings they could fight with
to learn anger management, coping skills when things don't go your way, how to
argue but still love that person, and how to admit when you were wrong. I was always right in my head because I was
the one doing it. I didn't have a
brother or sister to learn from or to love on when my parent annoyed me. Other parents didn't know how to deal with
me, I tried to make their families mine but they didn't see it that way. So if I fought with my brothers I was sent
home and told not to come back, or that their family needed a break from
me. Its hard not to feel useless and
alone in life with this stuff. I thought
about ending it all more times then I like to admit even now. But I had an experience one night that
changed the next few years for me.
I was done. Over. I didn't see a need to talk with anyone, take
a pill, or try to change myself. So I
made one last plea to God. Let me know
you love me and this isn't some cruel test to see how much crap one can handle
without support. I realize some will
call it blasphemy calling God out, but if he truly is my Father then I saw no
problem asking for comfort. He
answered, not the Holy Ghost, not some crazy voice, him. I
will argue this point to the end of time.
When I needed him most he was the only male in my life that answered the
call.
Things changed for me. I started trying to break down barriers and
be innocent CJ. Things started looking
up, friend's, school, girls, my overall happiness. Problem was I didn't realize that people are
bent on knocking others down so I had things to learn still. I had that night though and it gave me will
power to overcome the piss ants as my mom called them. I lost weight, became a beast of a man, yet
was happy so the joking side of me came out again. I realized I had some amazing people around
me that I still think about and learn from.
Life was good.
My senior year...I had learned how crazy
girls can be and what not to look for in a girl. So I entered my senior year
free and ready to mingle. lol...little
did I understand that be a senior doesn't translate into dates. So I got discouraged a little, but I had some
pretty fun dates and one were I got left...ouch...but I made new friends from
the group we went with so it was a win.
I did a play, played in the pit orchestra of a play, was involved in
year book where I met the best group of characters ever, and ended the year
being in the Seminary program. All were
amazing things to do. I even dated my
future wife for two weeks before realizing the spark between us, freaking out,
and running away. I still catch hell for
that.
The next chapter, post high school is where
things turn for me and walls come shooting up.
At the seminary program on the last day, the last room, in comes some
really good friends with a girl from my past.
She was the neighbor girl that moved away that you used to have I'm
going to date her one day, thoughts about. I was almost 18 and out of school so
we started talking, then dating, then "falling in love" problem was I
was working like mad to get money for my mission, dating her so my free time
was spent with her, and I had friends and my mom getting mad because I was
leaving for a mission and they thought that was there time. It wasn't. They had 18 years with me. I needed time to be me before I gave
everything to my God and Church. Well
that wasn't good enough and I was kicked out right before I was to leave. At that point the world felt like it was
crumbling around me.
I had people disappointed in me for
what...having a girlfriend...working 16 hour days 6 days a week...I mean come
on. I went to church..worked..basically
only had a couple of dates with my girlfriend.
Wasn't sinning...what parent could ask for anything more. Well apparently mine..and my neighborhood
parents. I was weak vulnerable and
flipping the bird at these people. If
you really thought after all these years of not being a normal teen I was
screwing around with my girlfriend then why not give you what you wanted. So I touched her boobies....gasp...I was
going to hell now in their eyes. All
those years of good taken away from a boob grab the night I was kicked out. I repented, but things changed for me and
these people I admired growing up. They
accused me before a crime was committed but I was the bad guy so that showed me
I didn't have their respect after all.
Which stings.
I went on my mission a few months later and
wish every day when I get down that I could walk into the MTC and just enjoy
the spirit there again. As awesome as
the Temple is for the spirit. I truly
felt it like a fire within those grounds.
So this next part changed how I interact
with members and why I sit here today with a beautiful wife and kids.
I had been called to San Francisco for my
mission. I questioned why at first but
understand now why. I took my hour and a
half flight while my friends were off in Russia, Chile, Australia, Kentucky..lol. Thinking really...10 hours from home by
car...alright lets see what is in store for me.
The thing I learned is the spirit doesn't follow the normal path of man
logic. I was put in a companionship that
started as two, then became three.
Problem was these two were total opposites and it showed. So i got my first lesson in conflict
resolution with a boss or parents being there.
I love those two men for showing me what not to do. However at this time I had the chance to pay
it forward with a single mother that was looking for something and found it in
two missionaries knocking on her door.
She and her daughters were baptized and I was able to baptize one of the
daughters. I will never forget the
moment. In part because I had a new
companion that was irritated at me for leaving him and going the bathroom
without his permission. Love power
trips...anyway.
After that day, and before that day I was
getting hints that my time was short and I was needed at home. Well as a missionary its two years. I was out 3 months. So I fought it. Until one day I couldn't anymore. I felt overwhelmed with the need to
leave. I talked with Church HQ and my
mission president and they asked me, what does the Holy Ghost say to do. I heard once again clear as day. Go Home.
So I left 24 hours later.
The fun begins. You seriously would have thought
I made a baby on my mission from the reaction at home. All of a sudden I had no credibility and no
way the Holy Ghost said to come home...it was Satan... So I completely lost family and friends for
doing something that was taught and ingrained in me. My girlfriend said goodbye. I had people crying on my door step saying
they are countering my own story with their personal revelation ...it was nuts,
saddening, and made me angry. The walls
came up.
Not long after I got a call. Lets go to the corn maze. I went and there was this girl their that I
had ran away from in High School. We
started talking as friends which is all I needed at the time. It led us into dating. Now once again people said I was a criminal
and had come back for her. Only they
thought she was my ex....still do even though I have clarified it several
times. Funny thing is I did come back
for her, just didn't realize it, but I think I came back for me and the kids
more. She has her own story but if I
hadn't come back her life would have been different and not necessary in a good
way. True goes for me too. After 12 years of marriage I can honestly say
those girls I thought were cool in high school were not for me. Alicia has to put up with my walls and my
view of the world.
There is some crazy moments that happened
over the next few months but we worked it out together. Then the thing I dreaded and thought could
destroy my marriage happened. I got
contacted a week before I got married by the state of Illinois to come and
dredge up events that I had put past me if I wanted to make sure he didn't get
free into this world. So I had to talk
to my bride to be and say hey they want me out there Friday ..ya know the day
we get married. I got them to change the
fly out date and to buy her a plane ticket.
But we spent our honeymoon going to court and reliving memories I
had. I couldn't just point and say that's
the guy. I had to go into detail of what
he did. Hows that for re victimizing
someone. However I had Alicia by my
side...never wavering from what I saw.
I knew she was the one. She knows
me. I don't think you do.
12 years later. 4 kids later.
I still struggle with opening myself up.
People are judgmental, cruel, heartless, disrespectful, and nasty when
they see weakness. However some are
loving, kind, respectful, understanding,
and funny. Its time I open myself up and
be awkward or quiet or crazy or a crying baby when I'm truly touched. you have the problem not me if you don't
like me. People do. My Children do. My Wife does.
Those last two are all that matter here.
I will have to deal with Heavenly Father if he isn't happy with me. It's not your judgement call, and I don't
care if you don't like how I live.
Here are some reasons for this. Fat on your body can be caused by repressed
feelings, not dealing with emotions, and pop ;)
I will be dealing with my emotions so sorry if I change. err no I'm not...I'm sorry if you can't stick
around.
I don't think people know me. I had a manager once say your problem is you
let people see parts of you not all of you, and people pick up on the deception
of you not allowing yourself to be seen.
It leads people to question if you are honest.
Took me a few years and honestly my Grandma
(Alicia's) passing away to realize I
don't want to be an only child syndrome stat.
I have broke a lot of molds and stats saying who I should be. Time to break another one. I will not give up or wish for Heaven
again. The reason I came home was for
Alicia. It was to have her and our
children prop me up when I fall. They
don't always realize it but a hug, kiss, being good people, and saying they
love me has brought me from dark places more then once.
These are crazy ramblings of a sane man.
;)
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